mother BEing

letting go of expectation of Self and embracing BEing

Part of my personal devotion as a Mother is to be as fully present, immersed and “in it” as possible.

So last week, when I found myself overwhelmed, stressed and anxious about not having my usual space in the week to write, create and move my doula business forward - I felt myself not being present and honestly a little internally frustrated with my newly 1-year old daughter who wanted nothing else but to help me move the clothes from the washing machine into the dryer.

She has been going through a tremendous leap lately — on the brink of walking, talking and teething. This is resulting in nap strikes, wonky schedules, late nights and exhaustion from both her and I.

Right from birth, she has always been a high needs, high touch, sensory seeking and low sleep needs baby — that part is not new. But what is new is the pressure I feel from not being on paid maternity leave anymore, to contribute to the family bills and to contribute to “making our dreams happen”.

I have found myself trying to be somewhere else, other than right in front of my daughter — present and whole, in the exact place I spent so much of my life dreaming of being.

I had been texting my partner and telling him how overwhelmed I was feeling about getting everything “done”, including writing and creating. I was on the brink of tears with my chest tight and the familiar lump in my throat that shows Her face when I feel constricted and not in Truth.

He responded asking if he could share something soft, loving but direct. In our beautiful conscious relationship, the answer is usually always yes. He said:

“I need you to stop. For you. And for us. If your nervous system is our family nervous system then that is number one priority. If creating isn’t flowing and feeling like too much, then put it aside. Stop trying to force yourself to create and to write. To “make” our prayers come true. I want you to only take of yourself, our girl, and our home. And if you have excess space then I want you to do whatever you actually want to do with it.”

---

Immediately, I felt my chest relax and the tears I had been holding in burst to the surface. The relief was instant, expansive and the message was exactly what I needed. The external permission slip from my beloved to PAUSE and just BE.

The truth is that when I write and create when I am in my divine feminine energy, things flow effortlessly.

The next day, I spent the day outside with my daughter, prepping food for her birthday party and going to do some errands together. And I felt JOYFUL, I felt EXPANSIVE, and I felt FREE.

Isn’t that true abundance?

While in this flowy, expansive mode, I was reminded of a session with a spiritual wizard and channel I did a few years before I was pregnant with my daughter. He said:

“Your daughter is going to teach you how to just BE. She’s going to show you the sacredness and presence of just sitting on the beach looking at the sand.”

My daughter has been the perfect teacher for exactly that by being her perfect little self.

She only napped on me or my partner for the first 8 months of her life.

She prefers to co-sleep and will adamantly refuse to sleep in her crib most of the time (which is attached to my bed).

She prefers to be on my hip and held.

One of her favourite games involves cuddling and giving kisses to each other.

Her other favourite activity is being on the beach and running her fingers through the sand together (just like that wizard’s vision).

She has always breastfed through the night and prefers to be as close as possible.

---

I am a true believe that our children are our master teachers and there is no greater path to spiritual learning, healing and enlightenment (should you choose to accept that). I am a believer that we receive the children we need, not the ones that we want.

They show us where we are not free. They show us where we need to soften, heal and surrender more deeply into them and into life. They show us the unhealed parts, the messy parts, the forgotten parts and the childlike parts of ourselves that are still within our own beings.

As someone who has witnessed my own Mother wear how much she did and how little she rested as a badge of honour and as someone who is witnessing the same pattern in other women in my family - I am choosing to not be one of them.

I will not live in my wounded feminine like I have in the past, full of hyper-independence, martyrdom and victim consciousness.

I will no longer live in my wounded masculine like I have in the past, full of mistrust of the healthy masculine and the intense level of control I tried to take.

I am choosing differently for me. And for Her.

I don’t want my daughter to remember a Mother who never sat down, never napped with her, never cuddled with her or never took a moment to just sit outside with nothing to do. I don’t want her to remember a Mother who took “control” of everything without knowing how to surrender to the magic and flow of life.

And she won’t.

I am taking her very intentional and sacred invitation to BE with her every single day. I am taking her sacred invitiation to sit in the sand for 5 minutes longer with her and feel it running through our fingers together. I am in taking her sacred invitation to surrender more deeply, to live in the feminine softness she requires and to pray with her each day.

And more than that, I am taking her sacred invitation to rewrite what being a Mother and a woman means for the generations to come after us.

BUY ME A COFFEE TO SUPPORT MY WORK